The Goal of Family Life

Dear Peanut,

            These last few days, Peanut, you have been a scrumptious dream of a child. Buoyant and happy and inquisitive. A few days ago, you, Daddy and I were at the Metropolitan Museum and you grabbed Daddy’s hand and said that the two of you needed to go off for a while, “Because we’re explorers Mommy!” And off you went, to discover Asia and the exquisite indoor Chinese garden just beyond the art of Nepal and Japan. When we met up again we wound our way through the American Wing and “the big house”, a mansion with rooms decorated in period pieces by designers ranging from pre-Revolutionary War artisans to Frank Lloyd Wright. Finally, we found ourselves in the Greek and Roman wing and we stood in awe of a special exhibit, the Lod Mosaic, and after we caught our breath, we ran around it, trying to identify all of the animals who emerged from those tiny tiles. It was a delicious afternoon.

            It was all the sweeter because just a week or two ago, you were in something of a bad mood. Perhaps you were cranky from being home-bound from all of the snow storms during this ice-age winter of ours. I think, however, the more likely explanation is a growth spurt. Daddy and I have noticed that before you physically and developmentally push forward into a new phase, you settle into a period in which you are strong-willed, testing boundaries and demanding that you get your way. It's trying for us, you seem discontented, and in general there is a gray cloud over our home.

            When I was younger and defined myself as a daughter not as a mother, I attended a study session on family systems. The teacher used some of the turbulent family relationships in the book of Genesis as his case studies. He suggested that these texts teach that the goal of family life is to force us in close proximity with other human beings so that our lives may be rife with quarrels and power struggles and daily frustrations. This way, he suggested, if the family dynamic is a healthy one, the younger generation will be raised with excellent conflict-resolution skills, which is really what a person needs to survive adulthood.

            The goal of family life is to live with conflict? This proposition turned my expectations of family on its head. At the time, I believed that the goal of family life was to live in idyllic peace where everyone loves, understands and accepts one another, and where household decisions were made with relative ease. Clearly mine was an unrealistic standard—how much easier it is for families to live up to the standard of being a breeding ground for conflict!

            That means, then, that a major part of child-rearing must be devoted to how we guide our children in expressing anger and impatience. I confess: patience has never been my strong suit; this is one of the most challenging aspects of parenthood. But you, Peanut, by your very presence, are my spirit-guide, testing me to role-model taking a breath, staying composed, and demonstrating even-handedness. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed. (Thank you to the wise woman who told me if you get it right 70% of the time, you’re doing fine as a parent.)

            With each new storm before the calm—period of struggle before a growth spurt—I think you are honing your conflict-resolution skills, learning to verbally disagree in a constructive way, and figuring out how to negotiate boundaries. I’d like to believe that beautiful afternoons together are the reward for successfully pushing through a period of conflict.

            My prayer is that these storms of childhood will pave the way toward an adulthood filled with equanimity and wisdom. When you grow up, I want you to traverse the world with the same eagerness and passion as you explored the museum a few days ago. And when you go forth and discover your own grown-up adventures, I want you to know, wherever I may be, my love goes with you.

I love you,

Mommy